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European Union Mandates All Business Logic in Database by 2020

DatelineDB: April 1st 2019

The European Union turned heads today with a surprise announcement:
Starting 1 January 2020, all business logic in applications must be made available via code stored inside the database. While we recommend that you use Oracle Database and PL/SQL, that will not be required.
This position was apparently taken after close review of the groundbreaking research conducted by Toon Koppelaars of Oracle Corporation, in which he showed that by putting business logic in the database, the overall work - and therefore energy consumption - of the application is reduced, sometimes by as much as 235%. While improving the overall performance of the application by 500%.

A close confidant of the President of the European Union told DatelineDB that the EU would soon adopt a resolution stating that we are now in a climate emergency and every effort must be made in every aspect of human activity to slow down the warming of our planet.

"So the decision to require business logic in the database was basically a no-brainer. A win-win for the customer and the planet."

There are rumors that Java developers all over the world are seeking therapy to deal with their years of falsely implanted memories that made them think the database should be used as nothing but a bit bucket.

And in an unprecedented show of unity, all the JavaScript developers in the world announced that they would henceforth only write code in the dark web, because they really don't like databases. And they are building a new framework: darkDB.js

"Don't worry about that," Brendan Each told DatelineDB. "For a whole boatload of JavaScript programmers that just means they are going to run their editors in dark mode. Shhhhhhh. Don't tell them that's not the dark web."

Larry Ellison was not available for comment.

But Prime Minister May of the United Kingdom did further shock all concerned by issuing her own statement:
Now that the EU has shown such great wisdom and concern for life on this planet, I have instructed my ministers to halt all work on Brexit and instead participate fully in this critical EU initiative, titled For All a Beautiful Database.
If anyone has any questions about putting their business logic in the database, Toon Koppelaars will be available live to answer your questions on May 21.










Labels:

Comments

  1. Uzeyir SuleymanovApril 2, 2019 at 1:20 AM

    I believe this is a April 1st joke, isn't it ? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Denis SavenkoApril 3, 2019 at 2:03 AM

    A nice April 1st one)

    ReplyDelete
  3. iudithApril 3, 2019 at 1:11 PM

    After the BREXIT, UK will not have to conform any more to the UE decisions, will it ?
    Now seriously ... probably many UK citizens would really prefer the whole BREXIT to be no more than an April 1 joke ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousApril 3, 2019 at 4:23 PM

    ha ha ha
    good one

    ReplyDelete

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